A Present From Mars: Bryon's Solution To All My Household Woes

     I'll admit it, I have a vacuum cleaner problem. I am going to blame it on years growing up without electricity ( or carpet), a childhood plagued with hayfever, and dust, a nonessential part of my life. So I love vacuum cleaners. And I am always looking for the perfect one. I like one for each floor ( I have three floors). I have one just to clean up wood ashes- wood ashes can destroy their motors. My father knew of this fetish and bought me one, my sister found a really good one at a thrift store. I wont go into the hours I've spent adapting favorite attachments to go on all of my vacuums with sections of PVC pipe.

    There always seems to be  a serious infraction with each one that I've had. One gets plugged easily, or always needs bags, or doesn't pull out the cracker crumbs and Legos from between the floor boards like I think it should. Some even make more dust. I like bag-less so that I can retrieve the items that  inadvertently get sucked in. I also have stretched out coat hangers strategically placed around to unplug the hose from tooth picks and army men. I get wild when I have only 5 minutes to clean up and I spend it trying to pull an plastic Indian from half way into the hose.

    Bryon came in one day wheeling in this Tool. " What did you get that for?", I snorted. And right away, "How much did it cost?!"

   "It's for you!", he gave me his don't-worry-about-a-thing wink.

    As with all my presents from him, he tried it out first. Dirt from 5 years ago appeared and disappeared in 6.5 horse power flashes. The kids were running and screaming as bared  bellys and butts were attacked. Some went off in fits after witnessing matchbox cars and Bionicle parts vanish into the vacuum. Unmatched socks, a rag, gravel, and countless spiders and their babies whirled into oblivion.

    Gone are are my ladylike visions of a sweeper made in feminine colors like purple or lime green. You'll find me wresting with black and orange. I'll never have to worry about this getting plugged. All the attachments in a handy place, and room for a drink or a kid or all the stuff I decide not to to suck up. We'll need an addition to house this thing, an expansion onto the pantry, I smiled.